Monthly Archives: January 2013

Day-26

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How do you deal with both success and failure?

I am horrible at dealing with success. I often do not take credit for it or even acknowledge that it has happened. My expectations for success feel much higher than I see other people being OK with. This makes it hard for me yo get excited about completing anything or doing something well because I always think “well of course, that ID how it is supposed to be, why is this special ?”
This is a silly way to think most of the time. Ever small success should be honored, this is how we positively reinforce them to happen again and continue happening. This is how you train children and dogs to be good citizens. Logically I know this, but I still do not have a good idea how to make success easier to deal with.

Failure can be much worse. Think horrible screaming tantrums. I get mad and depressed for a little while. I will cry. I feel guilty and play things over and over in my head and it may keep me awake for weeks without meaning to. And then I will think of a way to not do it again, how van I prevent feeling like that again in this type of situation. Sometimes it will work, sometimes my standards are too high and I just won’t put myself in that type of situation again.

Day-25

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I think life has not turned out like I had really expected it. For a long time part of me expected to be dead by my early twenties. Not because I wanted to die or even expected it but because I do not think my 12 year old brain could comprehend getting older beyond that. Looking back it seems silly if not insane, but it was an idea I kept back in my head.
Maybe something similar did happen, in my early twenties I did let go of a previous version of me. I became less stressed and uptight and more free from drama. I am still working on it. But it is certainly not how I had life planned at 12 or even 20.
I left for college never planning on getting married or settling down. I just could not see it in my future. While I was mostly sure I would not die in the next few years I had planned to be doing grand things and off seeing and experiencing the world. I did not realize that this sort of thing takes more effort than I might be willing to invest.
I ended up being more concerned about things and evens that didn’t matter (as mentioned in a previous post).

Life now is drastically different than what in had expected early on, in wonderful ways. If I do have a need yo expect an outcome I try really hard to plan and put in all of the efforts required, but I also try and tell myself that if it turns out different then that is OK too.

Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.

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Lots of spontaneous moments turn out fantastic… More often than not in my personal experiences.

Traveling far from home for ice cream. Playing on the playground in the middle of the night.

I have two tattoos and a piercing that were spontaneous. They are some of my favorite body adornments. I went in to buy jewelry or was just driving by in a mood.. and WHAM… new holes. This certainly did not please the people I was dating at the time, but it is possible that this was part of the point and the excitement.

Driving to Kroger at 6 am for donuts in a geometro hatchback, three deep in the front seat.

Surprise visits to family when we realized we had a little extra vacation time.

I’m probably forgetting more recent spontaneous adventures.

I’m a bit of a control freak over important aspects of my life, some things are planned out even if only enough to make sure we don’t die. I don’t drink out in random places with people I don’t know. I did that once and it never happened again.  I plan my hiking experiences so that I will not be stranded out in the middle of nowhere and get eaten by a bear or fall of a cliff in the middle of the night. And because of work and now school I take my time seriously. I am also really boring now. Yes that makes me sound a bit old, but I love to be lazy and do nothing. Most of the time I would rather spend the day watching movies or star trek.

Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.

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I’m starting to think I picked a list off a religious website or something. I’m not liking some of these questions and their implications.

spir·it·u·al

adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of spirit; incorporeal.
2. of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature: a spiritual approach to life.
3. closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc.: the professor’s spiritual heir in linguistics.
4. of or pertaining to spirits or to spiritualists; supernatural or spiritualistic.
5. characterized by or suggesting predominance of the spirit; ethereal or delicately refined: She is more of a spiritual type than her rowdy brother.

I cannot say that I have experienced any one of these definitions. I do not really believe in the majority of these definitions. The 3rd one would have to be the one that I can most identify. I would have to say that my husband and I are nearly the same person and we certainly seem to share a brain most of the time. Some people might find this sad or lacking in some vital aspect of humanity. I do not feel lacking or damaged. I feel like this is just not an experience that I will have. That is ok.

Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life

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My first couple years of college was probably a really shitty time in my life. K and I became really good friends and that was certainly the best thing to come out of that time, but my interactions with other people and my feeling about myself were pretty horrible. I want to blame it on having left over teenage hormones and being out on my own for the first time. I was self destructive and manipulative. Life was full of insane unnecessary drama. I really hate to go back and look at my old live journal posts, some of them are bat-shit crazy.

I surrounded myself with drama filled people and instigated anything I could get my hands on. Everything was OMG SO EMOTIONAL. I guess this may have started my senior year of highschool. Once I was done with highschool and on my way to college the crazy just broke loose.

I never did anything to physically hurt anyone and I never got caught for the illegal things I did do. I spent too much time agonizing over boys and their equally crazy bullshit  and I did not take enough time to be with the people who were good for me and loved me. I’m really amazed that J & K stuck through that… though we are around the same ages so they may have also been in their own mini dramas.

18-22 year old girls are NUTS people should stay away from them, or at least not let them drag you into their drama. Turbulent, hell yes. Probably dark at times. And really a ton of learning a very small period of time. Just enough learning to make me realize that I would be learning things for the rest of my life.. and that it will need to be drama sparse because that shit is exhausting.

Day 21: Write about your best friend (not significant other) and what makes them special.

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DEFINE: BFF

At this stage in my life this person is hard to define, I do not have anyone really close to me. Not highschool/college girlfriend close. Not ring you up on the way to the store and see if you just want to hang out while I go shopping. Not having a glass of wine or coffee and just hanging out. Not anymore these people are too far away or the people I am close to here, it just doesn’t feel like that kind of relationship. That feeling may just be me not being able to get over the loss of how making friends used to be so easy. I have tried calling and setting up dates to talk and have a phone beer, but they never seem to last more than a couple dates.

I realize that I would stop referring to friends as “home” friends and “here” friends. I will work on that.

E – She was the first person I really met when I moved to this area. We were in a training class together for a job. We were both snarky and really didn’t like other people, but we stuck together. She ended up becoming my supervisor a couple months later and when she left that job we stayed mostly connected. We are work buddies and she came to the courthouse with me to get married. We think alot alike, but can also let the other one know when they are being crazy.

K – We have known each other since 8th grade journalism class. We have seen and experienced each other’s craziest moments.  We have also been there for some of the best moments. Living so far a way is hard on me. If we lived closer I’d be able to help more, and I’m sure we could have had a fun time grading together when I was teaching. Our students were probably at the same level. Hopefully there would have been no beer stains. She is special because she is so smart and thinks on another level most of the time. It challenges me not to just be complacent and blend in with the idiots on my day to day encounters.

J – My family has adopted her. She could show up at any time for dinner and no one would notice that I was not there. I believe this has actually happed before. Though we had probably been introduced before, we sat together and became good friends over my sophomore year lunch period in high school. She was my date to prom and my room mate sophomore year of college. We would eat breakfast and watch blues clues my freshman year. She is the most outgoing and generous person I know. She collects friends and experiences like trading cards. I’m sure she has been unofficially adopted by at least 10 families, a couple in every city she’s lived in.

Day 20: Discuss your favorite movie and why it’s so special to you.

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The Princess Bride

I remember walking through the video rental store with my dad in 5th grade. He picked the movie this time, when we walked into the Drama section, he looked at me  and said “It isn’t really a drama, don’t worry.” I was still skeptical. The name also didn’t help Princesses and Brides were against everything my 10 year old self wanted to believe in, neither really interested me.

And then I watched it… probably 3 times before we returned it. I really hate watching movies back to back, but this one I don’t care. You could probably leave this one looping and I’d be happy.  I’m not sure why I love this movie so much. Could be because my dad introduced it to me. I could be because it is not the normal Princess story. It could be Cary Ewes coming back from the dead? Well mostly dead.

I went to a comicbook convention with my dad when I was 14 or 15 I think. I bought a bumper sticker for my future car.  I have a tshirt that says “Hello my name is Inigo Montoya.” ( Which you should not wear out in public where people may be legitimately wearing stickers like that. It confuses people.)

 

Pirate BS

 

I’m not at my limit for words. This may just require me to watch it again and finish this later.

Day 19: Something that shook your belief system to its core (a big disappointment in your life).

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The way this question was written gives me a religious connotation. I do not think I have such an experience. Religion was never forced or really a big deal in my family growing up. I went to church with my grandmother off and on until  I was 11 or 12. I went to church on special occasions & vacation bible school with my cousins. I studied with my Jehovahs Witness friend when I was 9 or so for a couple weeks. It was an interesting experience and she was wiling to talk to me about things I didn’t understand. Growing up my mom had books about health crystals and herbs around the house. I don’t ever remember being forced to think anything. I liked going to church to play and sing with my friends (all of these girls turned out to be mostly crazy when we got into highschool together.)

I have never had a deep seated belief in religion. I never got caught up on the spirit. I’ve tried pagan religions, and as with christian ones I never felt any real connection. Everyone seems to feel a spirit or a sense of warm fuzzies… I have never felt any of that, no matter how much I tried because it was a community I liked.  So what fills me with awe and excitement… just the world around us… I don’t need a greater being behind it or more of a meaning. Life and the world are brilliant all on their own.

Something that shakes my beliefs to their core? Alternate realities… or the fact we may not exist.. Imagine hearing this as a 10 year old…

On a time line there is the past the present and the future. The past doesn’t physically exist anymore because it has already happened, and the future doesn’t really exist because it hasn’t happened yet. So that leaves the present… but but the time the images and sounds reach your brain from your eyes and ears and other senses, they are the past…. so does the present exist.

Seriously Dad, WTF?

Day 18: Someone you met randomly that’s made an impact on your life.

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I do not think I have a tenancy to meat people randomly. I am not social, I don’t make small talk, I find it more of an effort to speak with people who do not have the potential to be in my life more than momentarily. (Strangers that I won’t see for more than a day.) I’m trying to think of a time where someone random has done anything that might have made an impact, either seeing it or hearing it or something just passing by even if I have not met them personally.

Last year at PAXEast, we went to a pannel of speakers (we actually went to bunch of them but this one sticks out) where Jeff Greene or Ken Levine said something that still sticks out to me.

… I should give  some context. I have grown up playing video games. I had an NES when I was young. I had computer games after that. Though they have not always been a huge part of my life, they were always around. In college I would watch my roomate, her boyfriend and the neighbors play a all the time. I would watch exes play. My husband plays. I am comfortable in the culture even though I do not play often myself. I am not very good, controlling the camera while walking confuses me. We listen to podcasts about video games and other nerdy things.  The gaming industry is my celebrity, but they tend to be smarter.

People do not understand games, but at one point they didn’t understand movies or tv or cars or whatever… No everyone understands art or literature. That is ok… games are not childish… but I understand if you were introduced to them when only children were playing them. Just look at how they have evolved… really…Its another medium of story telling.

AND NOW I can’t remember the exact quote but it was something along the lines of ‘there will always be someone old who does not get video games. someone who didn’t grow up with them as part of the culture. and someday they will all be dead.’

Day 17: Someone with whom you shared a friendship/relationship that simply drifted out of your life.

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Being an adult sucks. Being an adult who has moved away from 90% of their friends and family sucks even more. Most of my friends have drifted away to some point or another. I can’t just show up, or call them on my way to the store for company. Now as they begin to have babies or continue to be less and less available due to work and being on the other side of the country that gap in commonality is getting bigger and bigger. It sucks.

I can think of two people  who I miss the most. One intends on having kids and I fear that will be the end. We do talk on a regular basis and are on top of the important things in each other’s lives, but when she does have kids… mommy time is much more important. One has moved so far away, we often are in different time zones with schedules that don’t match and play phone tag. And then one of us forgets to call or gets caught up in something and puts it off… and then… We haven’t spoken in 6 months…This really breaks my heart and I try not to feel less important but some people seem to be more worth the effort. In reality thats probably not very true.

Making friends as an adult, I have not gotten the hang of this. I have two close friends where I live now. Which is probably comparable to the percentage of friends I had in my home town. I nabbed them and held on from my first job here and even now I feel a little adrift.