Tag Archives: 30days

Day 31: Epilogue: Write a letter to yourself.

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Dear myself,

You are really shitty at keeping a schedule. You may have only gotten these done on time about half of the time. Next time you really need to screen these prompts for religious connotations. Maybe be more realistic about times these need to be done especially when you are going to school and working and looking for more work.  Once a week, every other day?

Stop being a slacker.

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Day 30: Someone in your family that means so much to you.

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There are more people in my family that mean alot to me than who don’t. I don’t like this question because it implies that there are situations where this would not be the case and that really just makes me sad that other people were not as fortunate as I am.

I will have to go with my Dad on this one. Family seems to mean everything to him. Taking care of everyone else and being the leader. This may not be the ideal for him all the time and I’m sure he needs a break. I am sure he has sacrificed a great many things over the years just to keep his kids clothed and fed and with a house going to school every day. We  never struggled as kids to have anything we needed. He got a real adult job and has kept it for nearly 30 year. I’m sure there are many times he has wanted to tip his desk over and just walk out. I’m sure he’s wanted to do that at home too.

He is the person I used to watch cooking and home improvement shows with. Read comic books and watch xfiles with. He has taught me how to cook and to sew. There are a couple of things that he has said to me as I transitioned from a little girl into more of an adult that I remember.

When we was dropping me off  for college he said “whatever stupid things you do, don’t do anything that would hurt someone else.” I’m still not sure if that meant drunk driving or getting knocked up. I have never done either.

Once when I was getting ready to move he said, ” Don’t belittle who you are with. Don’t talk about him behind his back and don’t talk down to him in front of other people. ” I don’t remember what brought this about, but I have tried to remember it. I try really hard to be a united front in my relationships. I have noticed that women in general need to have the upper hand and will often make snide comments. I can see how people get beaten down and emasculated from years and years of this. I chose my husband to be my partner I want people to see us as equals and I have nothing to prove. I especially want other people to see hims as awesome as I do.

I’m glad my dad provided such a great example for men in my life even if I haven’t always paid attention.

Day 28: What is your biggest dream in life (what one great thing do you want to accomplish)?

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I just want to be happy. I want to live a life that means something to someone. It does not have to be a big influence to the world, but I want someone to be better because of me and for that to be passed on. If I have made some kid smarter while I was teaching or if letting two girls in my class express themselves in the name of tolerance and that goes on to make them better and they make the world better, thats all I want. Who knows what great things have started by something so simple.

I hate the term butterfly effect, but little things do matter and they can matter in the long run. My biggest dream is to be the tiny influence for something greater. I don’t have a goal or anything monumental I want to accomplish in the here and now. I want to be happier than I am sad or angry or annoyed.

Day-27 Cousin B

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My cousin and I are 8 months apart in age, so this means for 4 months of the year (really 3 and a week) we are the same age. This used to drive me nuts, and she would make sure to rub it in when we were little.

She was my best friend growing up. We grew up playing barbies and having sleep overs before we started school and made other friends. We racked up $50 on grandma’s phone bill calling 1900 psychic numbers when we were little during one sleep over. I got in trouble she or her mom may have denied it. Grandma’s phone will still get the occasional call for the made up names we used. We went to vacation bible school at eachother’s churches two weeks out of the summer. It was really the only reason I went at all. We went out as teenagers and were teletubbies for our last Halloween trick or treating.

When she moved 12 hours from our family (with her boyfriend) she called me to ask me what I thought. It meant so much to me. I had just moved across the country with a guy I hadn’t been dating too long. I was the first of our generation to move away. I was the only one at the time. That took the heat off of her, at least she was a day’s drive. When I moved within a days drive she found out she was pregnant and moved back home. I still have a screenshot of her myspace page announcing she was headed to this hospital to have the baby.

Now that we are older, I wish we lived closer.

Day-26

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How do you deal with both success and failure?

I am horrible at dealing with success. I often do not take credit for it or even acknowledge that it has happened. My expectations for success feel much higher than I see other people being OK with. This makes it hard for me yo get excited about completing anything or doing something well because I always think “well of course, that ID how it is supposed to be, why is this special ?”
This is a silly way to think most of the time. Ever small success should be honored, this is how we positively reinforce them to happen again and continue happening. This is how you train children and dogs to be good citizens. Logically I know this, but I still do not have a good idea how to make success easier to deal with.

Failure can be much worse. Think horrible screaming tantrums. I get mad and depressed for a little while. I will cry. I feel guilty and play things over and over in my head and it may keep me awake for weeks without meaning to. And then I will think of a way to not do it again, how van I prevent feeling like that again in this type of situation. Sometimes it will work, sometimes my standards are too high and I just won’t put myself in that type of situation again.

Day-25

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I think life has not turned out like I had really expected it. For a long time part of me expected to be dead by my early twenties. Not because I wanted to die or even expected it but because I do not think my 12 year old brain could comprehend getting older beyond that. Looking back it seems silly if not insane, but it was an idea I kept back in my head.
Maybe something similar did happen, in my early twenties I did let go of a previous version of me. I became less stressed and uptight and more free from drama. I am still working on it. But it is certainly not how I had life planned at 12 or even 20.
I left for college never planning on getting married or settling down. I just could not see it in my future. While I was mostly sure I would not die in the next few years I had planned to be doing grand things and off seeing and experiencing the world. I did not realize that this sort of thing takes more effort than I might be willing to invest.
I ended up being more concerned about things and evens that didn’t matter (as mentioned in a previous post).

Life now is drastically different than what in had expected early on, in wonderful ways. If I do have a need yo expect an outcome I try really hard to plan and put in all of the efforts required, but I also try and tell myself that if it turns out different then that is OK too.

Day 24: Discuss a spontaneous moment in your life that that turned out to be fantastic.

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Lots of spontaneous moments turn out fantastic… More often than not in my personal experiences.

Traveling far from home for ice cream. Playing on the playground in the middle of the night.

I have two tattoos and a piercing that were spontaneous. They are some of my favorite body adornments. I went in to buy jewelry or was just driving by in a mood.. and WHAM… new holes. This certainly did not please the people I was dating at the time, but it is possible that this was part of the point and the excitement.

Driving to Kroger at 6 am for donuts in a geometro hatchback, three deep in the front seat.

Surprise visits to family when we realized we had a little extra vacation time.

I’m probably forgetting more recent spontaneous adventures.

I’m a bit of a control freak over important aspects of my life, some things are planned out even if only enough to make sure we don’t die. I don’t drink out in random places with people I don’t know. I did that once and it never happened again.  I plan my hiking experiences so that I will not be stranded out in the middle of nowhere and get eaten by a bear or fall of a cliff in the middle of the night. And because of work and now school I take my time seriously. I am also really boring now. Yes that makes me sound a bit old, but I love to be lazy and do nothing. Most of the time I would rather spend the day watching movies or star trek.

Day 23: Describe a truly spiritual moment in your life.

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I’m starting to think I picked a list off a religious website or something. I’m not liking some of these questions and their implications.

spir·it·u·al

adjective
1. of, pertaining to, or consisting of spirit; incorporeal.
2. of or pertaining to the spirit or soul, as distinguished from the physical nature: a spiritual approach to life.
3. closely akin in interests, attitude, outlook, etc.: the professor’s spiritual heir in linguistics.
4. of or pertaining to spirits or to spiritualists; supernatural or spiritualistic.
5. characterized by or suggesting predominance of the spirit; ethereal or delicately refined: She is more of a spiritual type than her rowdy brother.

I cannot say that I have experienced any one of these definitions. I do not really believe in the majority of these definitions. The 3rd one would have to be the one that I can most identify. I would have to say that my husband and I are nearly the same person and we certainly seem to share a brain most of the time. Some people might find this sad or lacking in some vital aspect of humanity. I do not feel lacking or damaged. I feel like this is just not an experience that I will have. That is ok.

Day 22: Describe a dark/turbulent moment in your life

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My first couple years of college was probably a really shitty time in my life. K and I became really good friends and that was certainly the best thing to come out of that time, but my interactions with other people and my feeling about myself were pretty horrible. I want to blame it on having left over teenage hormones and being out on my own for the first time. I was self destructive and manipulative. Life was full of insane unnecessary drama. I really hate to go back and look at my old live journal posts, some of them are bat-shit crazy.

I surrounded myself with drama filled people and instigated anything I could get my hands on. Everything was OMG SO EMOTIONAL. I guess this may have started my senior year of highschool. Once I was done with highschool and on my way to college the crazy just broke loose.

I never did anything to physically hurt anyone and I never got caught for the illegal things I did do. I spent too much time agonizing over boys and their equally crazy bullshit  and I did not take enough time to be with the people who were good for me and loved me. I’m really amazed that J & K stuck through that… though we are around the same ages so they may have also been in their own mini dramas.

18-22 year old girls are NUTS people should stay away from them, or at least not let them drag you into their drama. Turbulent, hell yes. Probably dark at times. And really a ton of learning a very small period of time. Just enough learning to make me realize that I would be learning things for the rest of my life.. and that it will need to be drama sparse because that shit is exhausting.