My heart is full
But also broken
I feel for you my cecrta
My heart is full
But also broken
I feel for you my cecrta
Every time we move we do a large purge of stuff. For me it is usually clothes and shoes collected since the last purge. Sometimes it’s clothes that I’ve had for years that I just don’t see the use in keeping anymore. Sometimes it’s things that the weight of the emotions wrapped up in them is just more than I want to carry around anymore. I’m keeping my highschool senior sweatshirt, my hockey sweatshirts, and I’m keeping my first concert tshirt. I’m going to be letting go of the track tshirt of the first real boyfriend I had. He said all the right things if you’re willing to ignore the passive aggressive and sometimes just aggressive bullshit they were sprinkled into. I’m letting go of the sweatshirt of a friend who was good at the time but not invested enough to keep in touch. While there were many good memories and some pretty shitty ones, they are long gone and too many good thing have happened since then to keep holding in to these and letting them pop up, haunting my moves and spring cleaning.
I’ve been trying for months to think of a way to express how much you mean to me. We’ve survived being teenagers, young adults, distance, hormones and disagreements together. You’ve been my best friend, my voice of reason, and my co conspirator though it all. Being able to watch you bloom into the adult version of the amazing person you are, has and continues to be awe inspiring. You are my role model. Happy Birthday! I.O.U. breakfast in Georgia.
We are moving from our southern city to the PNW. Moving across the country is complicated. I’ve done it before. It’s more complicated with a dog, two cars, a rabbit and a company paying to do the moving. There are alot of moving pieces and a unknowns.
Things I do know: I will have a job and a place to work when I get there. My company has a nice office with people I already work with occasionally. Hubs will have a job and a place to work when we get there. There will be corporate housing and storage for our things. Our current home will be packed up and moved for us along with our cars.
Things I don’t know: When and Where. No set date on when we leave and no permanent housing set up because of this. We will have 30 days to figure it out when we get there.
Some things are about just learning what you can keep in control all at once. I cannot watch what I eat and control my intake without having the time to plan and cook.
Solution? Planned meal services for a couple nights and meal prep for the rest of the week & lunches. It takes time but then I’m prepared for the week. I also need to actually take the time to make dinner on the meal service days.
This week I am needing control at home because work is going to kill me.
I suck at being accountable to myself. There no consequences for myself.
So lets try this again.
Next week’s menu
2 plated meals, 2 chicken meals, eat out Friday and probably Saturday. Sunday something easy.
Sometimes I wonder, when I see younger people getting upset over an issue to the point of hatred for entire groups of people, are they seeing something previous generations have not? Are they just using the built up anger of previous generations as their spring board and making the next logical step? Have their life experiences not made them into cynics yet or have they not had enough life experience to be fully informed on an issue?
Because these are never issues I personally have any real insight on I don’t pass judgment. But I wonder, and that also makes me think does the answer to those questions change over time, no matter the actual actions taken?
Though, come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve ever asked the same questions about racist or biggoted people. Maybe that’s because I see their views as inherently wrong and illogical, where as the issues I’ve seen younger people get fired up about usually come from a place of oppression and being fed up with systemic inequality. The racist/bigots people are the ones trying to do the oppressing and in my experience older.
The end hatred of entire groups of people is the same though.
Does that make the people on the sidelines part of the problem? Once we’re past that irrational fired up over anything stage, do we take too long to take real action? Are we more strategic or just apathetic?
Maybe it’s because I do support people fighting out against oppression and I want them to succeed in real, meaningful, global ways. I want to do my part to help, but I’m also in that group they hate. It’s not something I can change and I don’t appreciate being grouped in wide brush strokes. And as an individual I know they don’t hate me and logically they know it’s not everyone.
When they speak out, It’s not about me and I need to keep that in my mind. Not all of their points are logical or valid but that doesn’t mean some of them aren’t and should be discounted enmass.
I love food, I also love to cook and eat. I can put away a decent amount for a smaller person. This and being lazy and having a desk job with little opportunity to move around during the day lead to being slightly overweight. I wasn’t comfortable with myself, mostly because I felt terrible doing things I liked to do. I don’t need to lose alot of weight to be in a healthy range, but because I like food, am lazy, and dont move around much it makes it much harder to do.
Things I’ve changed to get healthy have been joining fitness classes that are fun with people I like. I work out 3x a week for 1-2 hours each depending on the day (total 5 hours a week). And by workout I mean dance, boot camp, stretching and a toning class. I’ve restricted what I eat most days to a range that will allow me to lose weight or at least not gain any. Being short and not super active this ends up being 1300-1700 calories depending on if I’m working out or not. And by restrict I mean, eat in moderation whatever I want. Usually this excludes fast food or lots of desserts, usually. Some days I eat half a plate of blondies and move on with my life.
Here is the thing that people might think I’m weird for doing. I weigh most of my food. Down to the gram. (I log it in fitbit which is not weird for most people.) But I recently got a new scale to keep in my purse. I am very excited about it, but telling other people about it might just get me weird looks. It’s taken me years to get down to close to normal weight range. And it seems since everyone seems to have shifted their view of how normal looks, I get some looks if I talk about weight or eating on a somewhat restricted diet. This shit is hard and I can’t imagine what other people go to to lose more.
This is my pocket food scale. I use it to teach myself normal portion sizes and keep track of how many calories I eat.