The phrase that alarms me lately is “as a…”. No, just no, you have not been that in over 10 years. You have not been that person or even in that culture since I met you and you certainly haven’t put in the effort to maintain a connection to what you used to be. I know you’re hanging on for dear life as it is but maybe using terms to define you would be a good start. Especially ones that don’t fit in any way. Use them as a goal, something to reach for, but stop lying to yourself.